This is LiN's Life

The first time that it didnt happen, I thought, well, maybe Im too tired running after the little one. She is getting naughtier and faster by the day, you know.

Personally, I was kind of dissappointed as I had hopped that I would be able to get that 2wks of MC (like I did during the first time) so that I would have an easier excuse not to attend that overseas trip at work. haha...lame and totally embarrassing! So we tried for a second time.

That weekend afternoon, while playing with the little one, it suddenly occured to me that if it did happen this time round, my time will no longer be solely hers. That I would have to divide my time and attention when the time finally comes.

I felt guilty. guilt for planning for a second when my first is hardly able to say a few words, needless to say understand what is really going on. guilt for robbing her of the happy and comfortable world she already is in. The Baby Centre Bulletin emailer that I received did not help either: "Is it time for another baby?"

Growing up, I have always heard my mom talking about how she is not spending enough time with my second sis. She was 2yrs when my twin sisters arrived. I didnt understand her point then. I guess she still feels the guilt to this very day. And it probably won’t go away for me either...till Nurul is all grown up?or till forever?

I talked to my hubb about this. He tried to reasure me quoting him and his brothers as an example. He told me that he enjoyed growing up with his brothers very much. The 2yrs age gap between them meant that they will always have common topics to play or talk about and they still share those same interests up till today.

He also reminded me that Nurul loves to play with the babysitter's daughter when she is there and oftens feels lonely when she's home with us. So having a second one will be like giving her a companion to play with. Well...i guess so.

So nearing the date, while running errands with Nurul one night, I poped by the pharmacy and grabbed what looked like the most realiable yet cheaper version of the HCG test kit, making sure that i hid it from the sight of the other customers. I don’t know why, but I thought it's embarrasing to be seen holding the kit while pushing a little toddler in the stroller, hardly two years old, as if I was being judged for careless family planning.

At the counter, the cashier flashed the kit while a sales promoter is right infront of the counter, asking "Is that all?" The promoter did saw the kit and glanced at Nurul. I guess she may or may not have judged me, but I adjusted my wedding ring, pretending as if the ring is getting in my way, before signing the bill and scootting away as fast as I can. hehehe...In any case, I guess, my blushing red face made me look like an irresponsible teenage mom, pregnant for the second time!